Sometimes just thinking of everything I've been through, all the memories I have, and how far I am from where I started makes everything wonderful. There's nothing like thinking about the past – the times I never wanted to end and the times I thought things would never get better – and seeing how much things have changed. I feel like I've grown into something like a functioning human being in spite of myself. I feel like I have everyone around me to thank for where I'm at right now, and I love that feeling.
This week has been great so far – not necessarily because life is going exceptionally well, but because I feel very real and alive – one might say "infinite." Do you ever feel the difference between just being a speck in the cycle of things and truly feeling an experience? It's the difference between watching a game from the sidelines or being in an audience verses playing on the field or being up on the stage. I think that emotion – that recognition of tangible feeling – is what keeps me going. I can say without contest that things are not perfect, but maybe it's the idea that everyone endures some inevitable obstacle that is so comforting. Like a group of strangers that asks to walk through a haunted house with you or the random people you gravitate toward in line for a roller coaster, maybe it's the universal understanding that things aren't easy that allows us to really live day to day.
Maybe I'm just on another ridiculous philosophical rant, or maybe I've uncovered the secret of the universe – either way, I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. All I know is, without aid of a single compliment or so much as the smallest kind gesture from another human being, I feel beautiful.
I wrote this more than six years ago. Some things don't change.
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